women attraction???

The following is something that I learnt from my frustrated experiences but it is very well explained by Eben Pagan (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eben_Pagan):

Advice on attraction

Pagan contends most men lack a deep understanding of women, and are thus at a loss to attract the ones they desire. As a result, men are forced to accept whoever selects them.

Pagan also believes that women are not as obsessed with the appearance of prospective mates as men are.Further, he contends that typical male courting gambits such as excessive flattery and gifting are seen by women as manipulative and insecure, and are thus ultimately unattractive. Instead, he contends that “attraction isn’t a choice” — women cannot be bribed into choosing to feel attraction. Rather, Pagan asserts that a woman will feel attraction automatically when she perceives a man to have certain characteristics such as confidence, lightheartedness, humor and independence, qualities he labels “cocky and funny” or “cocky funny.”

Thus, while a typical man might hope to appeal to a desirable woman with obsequiousness and unbridled enthusiasm, carefully hiding any reservations he might have about her, a “cocky and funny” one would actually make his reservations abundantly clear from the outset, albeit flirtatiously and with humor.

Sub-communication and tension

According to Eben Pagan unresolved tension brings us closer together and makes us more physical (hence, more emotional). The idea he is conveying is that you cannot logically convince a woman to feel attraction for you. “Attraction is not a choice,” as he famously said. Rather, it is the building of unresolved tension in the moment coupled with the resulting anticipation it generates.

Excellent explanation of what meditation means

http://dharma.ncf.ca/faqs/meditationFAQ.html

Budda first discurse…

After his enlightenment, the Buddha gave his first discourse to the five friends. The following are someparagraphs of it, taken from Vipasana Meditation sites:

“…He describes three types of craving, or tanha. The first is the craving for sensual pleasures, kamatanha. This can be easily understood, but eradicating it alone is not enough. The second is the craving for any kind of existence, bhavatanha. Even if someone is free of sensual pleasures, there is the craving for survival: “The ‘I’ must survive. No matter what happens to the world or to other beings, I must be there in whatever plane of existence, to witness it and see it continue. Even liberation is something that ‘I’ must experience, ‘I’ must enjoy.” This craving gives rise to further rebirths, and so the round of suffering continues. The third and final craving is the desire for annihilation, vibhavatanha. Even craving for the end of existence is still craving…

“…The Noble Truth of the Path leading to the eradication of suffering is this Eightfold Path, namely right understanding, right thought, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration…”

“…In essence, the four Noble Truths are very simple: accept the fact of suffering, understand how it arises, totally eradicate it, and so realize the path to its eradication. But the Buddha’s enlightenment was actually to experience it. He elaborated, saying that each Noble Truth has to be realized in three different ways. Each truth is not a reality unless it is witnessed, or experienced…”

“…The Buddha describes this path asdukkhanirodhagamini patipada, the path to the cessation of all misery. Elsewhere he describes the same path as vedananirodhagamini patipada, the path to the cessation of all sensations. This is because the path has to be experienced. The word used for experience in those days was vedana, which also means sensation. So pariññatam means that the entire field of vedana, sensation, has to be experienced. Elsewhere, he says, Yam kiñci vedayitam, tam dukkhasmin—every sensation is connected with dukkha, with misery. Even the most pleasant sensation has to be understood as dukkhabecause it is anicca. There is the danger of clinging to this impermanent experience and of generatingtanha, craving, toward it. Unless all sensation is understood as misery, there might remain a delusion that some sensation really does give happiness…”

“…Kondañña was the first of many who became liberated at that time. The path is the same for all, and we are fortunate that the technique is still available today. It is therefore incumbent on all meditators to make best use of this path, for their own liberation. It is a rare opportunity…”

Having double personality is good

We are two people in a body.

1. A human being, with feelings and full of things (my body, my beliefs, my name, my attachments, etc)
2. A witness, with not feelings and completely empty.

The first person is only concern about to fulfill desires in order to perform survival acts (wholesome or unwholesome).

The second person is concern in performing wholesome acts, i.e. to  stop unwholesome acts from the first person (survival acts) which will harm people (or us in the long-term).  unfortunately is very difficult to speak with the second person since is much easier to listen the first one (we live mainly in the outside life).

The second one do not have goals or desires, whatever comes he accepts, and behave always to the benefit of the whole nature (following the law of the nature). He teaches to the first person not react to anything and be always happy whatever happen. His greatest enjoyment is to watch the first person and maintain it quiet.

Some spiritual groups can call the “second person” the soul and other groups the “logical” part. In daily life, everyone is in constant communication with both, but not always in the proper way. For example, If I am hungry and the first person want to eat a delicious muffin, I listen the first person an I am going to eat the muffin. If I am usually in constant contact with the first person hardly I will isten the second one saying do not eat the muffin, eat something healthier. However, still If I listen the second one,  can happen two things:

a. I will end up eating the muffin anyway, and I will feel so guilty thereafter.

b. I will not the muffin but I will feel frustrated and sad.

According the above possible results, maybe it would be better go directly to the first person. It is because sometimes we only listen the second person for a moment. Therefore, listen the second person is not enough. We have TO LIVE in the second person as long as we can. This is an estate of constant meditation, where whatever option “a” or “b” happened, we behave happy watching the natural instinct of the first one.

Just be a witness and whatever decision is taken in the second person maintain it to the end. Each time that you will think in give up, recall the second person and ask him what to do.

So, I think that a proper life lived for a “normal” person in the society,  should be to live daily 49% as the first person and 51% as the second person. Recalling the second one, whenever it is needed.

Therefore, in which type of person are you living normally?

Spiritual maths

I like math and physics because with a few letters you can understand what is going on. Rather than reading texts, which can be misinterpreted. Maths cannot be misinterpret. Therefore here are some explanations what I think (taken from the Vipassana course and some books) what means enlightenment.

• ENLIGHTENMENT  = EQUANIMITY + MEDITATION (in constant present state)

Then,

• EQUANIMITY = DO NOT REACT (NOT FEAR) + SEE THINGS AS THEY ARE IN THE PRESSENT MOMENT (ESTAR)
• MEDITATION = AWARANESS + CONCENTRATION

Then,

• AWARANESS = FEELING BODY SENSATIONS
• CONCENTRATION = PERFORM AND ACTION

So here we see that “PERFORM AND ACTION” is the only part of the  “ENLIGHTENMENT” equation which is in contact with the outside world. Therefore, how to perform the best action? Which is the action which will be more beneficial for our interests and current “knowledge acquired”?  This is a proposal algorithm:

1. WHEN MAKE A DECISITION, FEEL THE “AWARANESS” (LISTEN DE BODY or INSTINCS)
2. CHOSSE THE DECISITON WHICH MY BODY SAYS (WITH EQUANIMITY), ONLY IF IT IS A RIGHT ACTION (WILL NOT HARM ME AND DO NOT HARM OTHERS, AND IS IN THE LINE WITH MY VALUES AND GOALS)
3. MAKE THIS DECISION WITH DETERMINATION. AT TIMES THIS DECISTION COULD LOOK LIKE WRONG BECAUSE MY BODY IS REACTING TO IT AND THE MIND DOES NOT SHUT UP (ONLY CHANGE THE DECISTION IF I HAVE EQUATINIMY).

The 3rd part is the most important, because at times your mind will starting giving up… there are things that “are not negotiable” (tell this your to mind!). So, before choosing a decision or important action, remember this 3 sentences.

Reality and behaviours

What is reality? What is normal behaviour? What is correct and what is wrong? Ask in Israel what is reality to a Muslim and Jewish person, or ask why in some places in the world people eat insects.. everyone has his own truth because is what he has learned so far.

We born, and we learn (o better say “we intoxicate”) with knowledge. I do not thing that all knowledge is bad but at leat the 90% may be. This knowledge acts a filter and we no longer see the things as they are, only we see the things based in our values and prejudice “learned”. Will we be the same person right know if we had born in another side of the world? Maybe yes, or maybe no, depending how many “knowledge” we learned so far in THIS life.

Furthermore, we born with something called “natural instincts”. So initially we are not all identical, because we born with a pre-filter which make us behave in a special way. In other words, we are also “intoxicated” when we just were born. As some examples: women have similar patterns different than men, we all know eat and cry without learning and twins have initial different behaviours.

Scientist can say that it is due to our survival program which have been improved along the millions of years, defined with a genetic lottery. Buddhist can say that the behaviour that we have when we were born comes from our past lives. In any case, I think that the following equation is true:

• Actual behaviour = (1) things learned since we born + (2) natual instincs (or things that we carry from other lives)

Many natural instincts help us to survive, but… are they correct or useful? Rather I think that 90% of them not… as the jealousy, anger, planning the future or simple scratchy sensations (which maybe our mind is still thinking that it is due to an insect from the Neanderthal age). These natural instincs do not help us to see the reality as it is and only makes us suffer.

Therefore we should to remove EACH patter behaviour learned (in this or other lives) in order to see reality as it is: it is being empty and full of love. This is the most difficult task that you will undertake in your life because it is remove your natural instincts (or at least, see them only as a witness) which have been in your body for millions of years. It is do not react to your physical and mental pain. And it is what the meditation teaches.

Catching a Butterfly

O common sentence said by Thoreau (which recently I read again in “Wisdom of the peaceful warrior”) is: Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it comes and sits softly on your shoulder”.

I totally agree with this expression, but I would like to expand it to every aspect of the life. I really think that the word “happiness” in this sentence can be changed for any noun. Therefore, whatever you are waiting for, simply WAIT, it will come to you. BUT you have to be in a place where the “noun” used (the butterfly in the case of the sentence) can fly.

As an example, suppose that you are looking for a girlfriend. Then, do not look for it, only wait, but go to places where you can meet people. The same applies for jobs, money, etc.

My dad used to say that there is time for everything. Maybe he did not know that the time does not exist, but he was right. We are the only “animals” which think in “time” and therefore the ones who create deadlines. The deadlines is an illusion thing created by the mind because life is unpredictable. Only make your first step in whatever you aspire for and let the universe and your karma make the rest.

Many books and principles teach: “being proactive”. As an example, it is the first principle of the Franklin Covey Method. I really believe that it is truth, but as I said, only “being proactive” in the first step, do not suffer for the rest

Kindness = happiness and being happy ≠ feeling happy

According to the Buda teachings, who have anger or sorrow suffers and therefore it is unhappy. It is completely logical and easy to understand.  Therefore It easy to see that “kindness = happiness”; in other words, if you act always with kindness you will always perform happy. So do so.

However, you can ask, have I to perform happy if I am not? My answer is Yes. Why? To answer this first answer we have to think, what is “happiness”? It is either “being happy” or “feeling happy”?

If you think that “feeling happy” is to be happy, then you only will be a few times happy in a random day, or even none. Because feelings are beyond of our control they are out there (good and bad) and only the good feelings “will make you happy”. Indeed,  it is what we are programmed to do (due to our natural instincts) and it is what the animals do.

But “being happy” is an mind state. You could be happy always if your mind say so, no matter what is happening. In other words, accept life as it is, not as it would like to be, being happy all the time and you will be happy

Another reason why we have to behave happy is because we are what we think, eventually we become to be the person that we created in our mind, so create a happy person.

This is what on the book “Way of the peaceful warrior” calls: “unreasonable happiness”; just because.

To recap, remember to act always with kindness (and gratitude) and easily you will live in a state of “BEING HAPPY” (not “FEELING HAPPY”),  specially in difficult moments. When we act like this in this difficult moments or ordinary moments (i.e. going to work in the early morning!) our personally grows towards our final goal: permanent happiness.

Selfishness and instincs

Everyone is selfish because everyone has the natural instinct of survival. Therefore everyone is selfish because everyone want to eat, want a job, want a to sleep and so on. These examples which are the basics to survive have the same nature than people who want a car, a house, a child, a relationship, etc. So if you have wished anything from the above mentioned (also included eat or sleep) you are selfish.

Consequently, being selfish in not bad, since it is totally natural. But then, why people helps people? Because they have developed a powerful tool called “love” . They fulfil their desires giving love and therefore they are “selfish people helping other people” (In the same way that the parents help a son).

This last group that I just mentioned (selfish people helping other people), are the people whose will get more rewards. But how can I stop being selfish and develop the value of love if it is not in my values  (and our values do not have to be changed consciously)?

Controlling the instincts and stopping being selfish are unnatural. But it is here where an animal human becomes a real person. When I sit to meditate, my instincts say to me continually: get up! And start doing the millions important things that you have to do in order to survive today;  so I try to move away from my natural instincts because I have higher values.

Sometimes to follow the instincts are not bad if they do not affect your goals or values. As an example, if I am married and I love her but I find another woman one night, would I want to put my ”goal” relationship in danger? However, if I am single and my instincts say to go with a woman who I just meet but there is nothing bad in this (as long as another goals or values would not be affected), then go for it.

In the same way, being selfish should be controlled in some extend and give to others what has the greatest value for us. Why? Because it is the law of the nature, which was stated in the third law of Newton: “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”. In other words each time that we give, we will receive the same amount in other type of resource more valuable (in most of the cases in the way of  ”love”). Furthermore what the law does not say is that if we give,  our ego and attachments decreases, becoming more human.

Therefore, although follow the instincts and being selfish is natural and we have to follow them in a number of cases, sometimes instincts and being selfish have to be stoped in order to stop suffering and to get the most of this beautiful world.

Without doubt, the most harmful of the natural instincts which is not useful the 95% of the cases  and has to be removed completely is FEAR. Without fear you will be free and happy, giving to everyone the greatest resources that you have.

Furthremore, paradoxically fear also interfere with other instincts. As an example, you can like a woman (you have an instinct of being with  her) but you have fear to speak with her. With this easy example it can be seen how the fate of any human being is definitely suffering if the instinct of FEAR is not reduced to the lowest levels.

Is it possible to plan life??

Recently a friend told me about the Franklin Covey method for plan and prioritise your life, and surfing by internet I found also a similar method called Get Things Done (GTD).

On the one hand, once I learnt the basics of the methods I felt lost, thinking how I would survive in the world without knowing that… and how I survived until now!

On the other hand, I felt like that I did this before.

During more than the last 10 years I have been doing plans for everything. Why? Maybe it is a survival instinct in order to overcome the unexpected future.  It is a way also to try to control everything inside and outside, but the true is that we cannot control either “inside” or “outside”, only we can see how things change…As a result, in some extend I stopped doing plans.

The bottom line of this is that I will learn more about the Frankling Covery and GTD methods, because although I think that to plan everything is a waste of time, to have a big picture of what do you want to be in 5 or 10 years time is useful.

However, taken into account  that only the simple and easy things works in life, we will see if I will use one of the one thousand software of Franklin Covey or GTD methods; otherwise a easy, practical and cheap sheet excel.